The Woods

Woods: an area of land covered in trees.


“She had a tracker?”

“Yeah, and her cell phone worked. Can you believe that?”

“They all have cell phones these days.”

“But this one worked! In the middle of the fucking woods!”

“Nowhere’s exactly off grid anymore.”

“No… no. I suppose not. And you know she didn’t bat an eyelid? Didn’t even scream? Well, she did scream, but not the hysterical oh-I’m-shitting-myself-and-running-away type scream. No, this was an I’ve-done-fucking-Israeli-military-service-and-I’m-gonna-kill-you type scream.”


“She kicked me in the fucking balls, took my machete—“

“—Krav Maga.”


“Krav Maga, it’s some sort of martial art they learn out there.”

“Right. Well nobody fucking told me that.”

“That’s what the internet’s there for, bud.”

“Right. Anyway, she got my machete, and the guy came running in, fucking stabbed me in the back! A fucking vegan stabbed me in the back!”


“Are you taking the piss?”

“No, no. Sorry. Carry on, please.”

“So I’ve got this knife in my back, some multi-tool, I think, the guy was some sort of engineer, and the girl fucking cuts my arm off.”

“That shouldn’t have stopped you.”

“No, but I was distracted, somebody was knocking at the door, shouting.”

“Not the police?”

“The fucking police.”

“But… how’d they get there so quickly?”

“The tracker.”

“But they don’t just follow trackers randomly.”

“She phoned them.”

“What? When?”

“I dunno, exactly. Earlier on, I suppose. Something must have tipped her off.”

“Maybe all those skulls you keep in the basement?”

“Don’t be… er… you think?”

“Come on man, that’s not normal.”

“Oh. Right. So the door gets kicked in, she hacks at me again, the vegan has picked up a log and is twatting me around the head with it, and the cops just fucking open fire.”

“With the kids in the way?”

“They were good fucking shots, man, it wasn’t like the movies. I got hit twice in the head, three times in the heart, once in my arse. I still don’t know if that was intentional or not.”

“Oh dear.”

“Yes, fucking oh dear. You know me right, I don’t give up, I don’t just slink off into the dark and hide—”

“—No, no, of course not—“

“—but this was unprecedented. So I charge at the door, intent on ripping some cop’s throat out, but get fucking shot again. In the face. These guys were like fucking Rambo.”

“Or John McClane.”

“Or Jesse Ventura. Anyway, they jump out the way and I leg it into the woods thinking I’ll circle round, pick them off one by one.”

“As you do.”

“As you do, right, so I’m walking through the darkness, safe in my element, when all these guys pop up out of nowhere—”


“Cops. Fucking loads of them. All wearing night vision goggles, armed to the fucking teeth. I’d not even taken two steps when they took my legs off. Unbelievable.”


“Yes wow. I mean, fuck me, what’s the world coming to?”

“Yeah, yeah, I know what you mean. Kids today, eh?”

© JR Bryden, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from JR Bryden is strictly prohibited.

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